Japa and Heartbreak: How Nigerian Couples Are Coping With Long-Distance Love

She got a visa while her boyfriend had to stay behind. They’re miles apart, but they’re still trying to keep their love alive.

They engage in regular Zoom and WhatsApp calls while crying themselves to sleep because of the pain of being apart.

Well, welcome to the new Nigerian heartbreak—powered by Japa.

In recent years, “Japa” has become an exciting yet stressful fixture in Nigerian vocabulary. Japa signifies the mass exodus of many people, young and old, professionals or non-professionals, etc., abroad in search of greener pastures.

Now, even though “Japan is exciting as it promises a much more economically stable lifestyle, it often causes a lot of strain in relationships, especially romantic ones, married and unmarried. 

Whether they are traveling from Naija to the USA, Canada, or the UK, their love is put to the test.

So, how have Nigerians been able to handle the emotional stress of relationships after they become long-distance due to one partner relocating?

Real Stories, Real Struggles- (Please note: Names have been changed)

Tolu & Dayo – Canada/Nigeria Split:
This is a prevalent type of story. Tolu got a student visa for her master’s degree in Canada, and the plan was to bring Dayo over to meet her after about 1 year. Now, 6 months after she had relocated, she started noticing that there was this subtle change in their communication; they hardly spoke as often as they wanted, and when they eventually did, they didn’t seem so invested in their conversations, then 3 months later, Dayo confessed saying that he is already in a romantic relationship with someone else and broke up with her. On the other hand, Tolu remarked that Dayo was a good boyfriend, and she totally understood him, as it is difficult to hold on to someone you can not actually touch.

Ifeoma & Kunle – UK/Nigeria
As for this couple, theirs was different.  Kunle Japan, and the plan was for him to work two jobs to raise enough capital to relocate Ifeoma to the UK, where he is, and possibly start a family after she finishes her NYSC. It has been 4 years since he relocated, and they are still in a long-distance relationship. They try to keep their love alive by sticking to a regularly scheduled video call time. So, even though they are still not physically together, they are still in a committed monogamous relationship. 

Why Distance Hurts More Than Ever

1. Time Zones and Communication: Time zone differences are a huge problem here. For example, suppose your boyfriend is in Nigeria, and you are in Canada. In that case, there is this 6-8-hour gap in between, so you often have to schedule your phone calls so that someone has to sacrifice their sleep, or they might have to squeeze in talking to their partner during work and school hours.
2. Emotional Burnout: Burnout is very high in this type of relationship.  This is because of the fear of not being near your partner. So, this requires constant reassurance, which requires patience and understanding on both ends. Also, the frustration of being unable to be present during significant vital events like birthdays, graduation, etc. All these and more can emotionally drain both partners. 
3. Temptation and New Lives: This obstacle is pervasive. Often, the partner who travels is exposed to new, exciting environments and experiences while the person left behind seems to be “stuck” in Nigeria. So the “stucked” partner feels forgotten, and the partner who relocates seems to have other priorities than love.
4. Lack of a Clear Timeline: This is also a big issue. If there is no straightforward timeline drawn on paper stating how long they will be apart and when the partner remaining in Nigeria will join the other partner abroad, this can cause a very big delay. Uncertainty yields anxiety in this case.

How Couples Are Making It Work

1. Intentional Communication
   Effective communication is essential. Having routines is very useful here, and setting boundaries is very helpful.
   Having honest conversations about how each partner feels will help to maintain true emotional intimacy. It is also essential to have daily, not weekly, check-ins. This must be daily. Also, virtual video dates are helpful. 
2. Shared Goals and Vision
   The goals/vision for traveling can be the very thing that holds partners together while they are physically apart. So, whether the relocation is for education or a job, this vision can keep partners together. 
3. Trust, Trust, Trust
   Do not bother staying in a relationship with no trust, especially a long-distance relationship, because, without trust, that relationship will not last. You have to believe that your partner is committed to you.
4. Using Technology Creatively
   Technology has been effective in helping couples in long-distance relationships cope better because there are many things you can do together.  For example, you can make video calls, play games like chess using an app, watch Netflix together, cook the same meal while video chatting, etc.
5. Setting a Reunion Plan
   It is essential that before traveling, you sit down with a pen, paper, and calendar. Plan how your partner will relocate to join you with actual dates involved because even if it takes 2 years if the 2 years were planned from the get-go, it will be easier to achieve.

Final Thoughts

While the Japanese wave offers a better economic future for Nigerians, it has also affected romantic relationships across the nation. While some relationships get stronger with better communication, more money to relieve expenses, etc., a greater number have become strained because of the burden that long-distance relationships carry.

Also read: Igbo Men vs Yoruba Men: Who Makes the Better Partner?