Intertribal Dating in Nigeria: Is Love Stronger Than Culture or a Source of Dispute?

In a nation as diverse and multifaceted as Nigeria, love usually takes the form of different languages; it does not always share a common dialect. With up to more than 250 ethnic groups, each with its unique multiple customs, languages, and beliefs, intertribal dating can resemble a stunning—but intricate—labyrinth. Is it possible to truly and really create and form a future with someone with a different language, tribe, and customs, or are we destined to be pushed apart all in the name of the very thing that should keep us together?

Real Experiences: When Love Transcends Cultural Boundaries

Ifeoma(Igbo) and Dele(Yoruba):

Ifeoma and Dele met and connected after graduating from the University at the “National Youth Service Corp” in Lagos. Dele will describe this as “Love at first sight.” Their bond was instantaneous, and as you can imagine, Dele immediately proposed to Ifeoma after dating for less than a year. Ifeoma was shocked but also very excited because she was in love with him, and they proceeded to introduce each other to their families. However, Ifeoma’s parents couldn’t help but voice their concerns about Yoruba men. She cautioned that “Yoruba men don’t remain in marriages.” Regardless of her parents’ skepticism, they forged ahead with their marriage plans. They have been married for 10 years and have two beautiful children. Ifeoma explains, “We decided to concentrate on our common values—faith, family, and ambition—rather than our differences.”

Abdulsalam (Hausa) and Dara (Yoruba):

For Abdulsalam and Dara, the obstacle to their budding romantic relationship wasn’t the difference in their ethnicity but their differing religious beliefs. Abdulsalam’s father had expressed that they would have been willing to accept Dara as his daughter-in-law if she was a Muslim Yoruba girl. Still, because she was a Christian and Abdulsalam was a Muslim, they disapproved of the relationship. Although Abdulsalam and Dara both held mutual respect for each other’s beliefs, their families were less accommodating. Dara recounts, “My father questioned me if I was prepared to relinquish everything for love.” Ultimately, they decided to part ways—not due to a lack of love, but because the external pressures became overwhelming.

These narratives are prevalent. You hear stories of couples who meet, fall in love, and go through many hardships with their families when they take the necessary steps to get married. Marriage usually involves a wide range of experiences found within Nigeria’s intertribal dating landscape—some conclude in happiness and fulfillment, while others end in pain and sorrow.

Frequent Obstacles in Intertribal Relationships

1. Family Opposition; This often lies in getting married to a tribe different from your family. The idea is that each family member/child marries someone in their tribe. This is important for preserving the family’s culture and traditions peculiar to your tribe. Any disruption in the family’s culture/traditions is seen as negative.

2. Stereotypes and Misunderstandings. Every culture or ethnic group in Nigeria has stereotypes, and sometimes, these stereotypes are negative or positive. So, once a family member is getting married outside the family’s tribe, negative stereotypes or preconceptions about their intending partner can end a relationship before it even begins. 

For example, preconceptions such as “Igbo girls are materialistic” or “Hausa men are overly controlling” can taint a relationship before it even starts.

3. Language Obstacles: Now, this one is a pervasive obstacle. There have been instances where a “fight” breaks out. A family member is feeling disrespected because the other family member from the other tribe refuses to speak in English and maintains speaking in their language to cloak what they are saying. Granted, though, this is done intentionally to hurt them, but sometimes, they might be speaking their own language because that is what they are more comfortable with. Communication with extended family members can pose difficulties, particularly during cultural ceremonies or family gatherings.

4. Conflicting Traditions: Traditions can affect every aspect of life, from varying types of food to varying ways of dressing, religion, wedding rituals, how to treat your parents, how to train your children, and even where to live. Cultural differences may arise in daily life.

Strategies for Success

1. Transparent Communication: We can all agree that effective communication is a very important key to the success of any relationship. If lovers engage in discussions about various topics from each other’s values, backgrounds, educations, religion, and marital expectations and do not assume that their partner already knows and comprehends their customs, this could increase their chances of succeeding in an intertribal marriage/relationship

2. Educate and Include Families:

People often resist things they do not understand, so if you are involved in an intertribal relationship and hoping to get married, please do not wait until the last minute to involve your family. This is important to educate them about your partner’s tribe. They can get something like a “front seat” to not how people from your partner’s tribe behave but how “your partner- the individual” behaves. Please encourage them to experience the positive, beautiful things about your partner’s culture and traditions, such as events, cuisines, etc.

3. Emphasize Shared Values: As I stated earlier, the differences between traditions are not all negative. Some positive values transcend a number of ethnic groups. So, concentrating on the positive attributes of your partner’s culture can be very powerful in bringing family members from different tribes together.  

4. Be Ready to Compromise: Compromise is significant in every type of relationship, romantic or not. It can not all be “your way” or “the “highway. Love can require relinquishing firm positions. Be willing to blend traditions and form new experiences that both tribes can enjoy

5. Create a Supportive Network: Support is critical. Surround yourselves with a perfect and strong support system like your friends and mentors, who will provide that steady support for your relationship. This is effective in buffering against any negativity from your family members

Concluding Thoughts

Intertribal dating in Nigeria is not for the weak at heart. Still, if it is done with mutual respect and openness, it could become one of the most fulfilling journeys one can embark on. One might end up creating a beautiful love story that unites different ethnicities.

“Ultimately, love does not always have to resemble home—it simply needs to embody the essence of home.”- I saw this quote somewhere (I can not remember where). I believe every word of it because it makes sense. What do you think?

Also read: Dating a Nigerian Man: Insights for Women